Long day at work. A huge sale, we were mobbed. I spent most of the day angry at the customers and thinking cruel thoughts about them. I felt they were vicious, greedy beings who couldn’t contain themselves. I have been thinking that a lot these days, resenting my customers more and more. I hate them for being so easy around food and with being able to eat so much of it. I hate them for not being me. That sounds ridiculous but feels marginally true.
I also had to dress up as a sandwich. A boy spit at me and people yelled at me from their cars. A few people laughed. The highlight of the experience was seeing children’s faces light up when they saw me, that made it bearable.
My way to keep from crying, I was on the verge of a panic attack most of the day. I binged to make myself feel better. My stomach looks swollen, I wanted to throw it all up. Just did. First time in a while.
Not much has happened the past few days. I took myself off my medication but am back on it. It was making me gain weight which set off all the alarms in me and made me want to go back to throwing up. I told my therapist I was not going to take it anymore, I just can’t handle gaining so much weight at the moment.
I have not cut since the last time I posted but I feel very close to it. I feel like I can’t breathe. Amazing how easily I can be overloaded. I wish I had higher limits. I feel selfish and fat and lazy.
My therapist told me I am self-absorbed. It hurt to hear but it is probably true – it is true. I have little else to do than think about myself or my family. I am trying to be more considerate to people now. I do not like the thought of being so focused on only myself.
