it seems i may as well be starving myself again. i should be limiting myself to a few handfuls of rice and water. always the best diet. no need for calorie counting and all that garbage that gives me a major headache. just eat as little as possible and you’ll get there. i’m being sarcastic, by the way. i just was never one to count calories. i hate numbers (except for those on the scale) and could never have my life revolve around the number of calories in a muffin. not that i am criticizing those who do.
i’m back in the double digits. after about two years i’m almost back to where i was when i was seventeen. not yet 96lbs but pretty damn close. i know that is not horribly underweight but it means a damn lot to me because i have *not* been purging or starving. i haven’t spent the last few months puking into a toilet or eating a cup of rice with a few steamed vegetables a day. i’ve been eating normally. or at least i haven’t said no to fries and cookies. well, i pretty much hate cookies so nix that one.
it’s scary for me to feel that i don’t have control over my weight. if i were actually trying to lose weight it would be fine but since i’m not it’s unacceptable. the sad thing is that part of me is *happy* that i’m losing weight. part of me is saying to say fuck you to recovery and go on losing as much weight as i can. it wouldn’t be that hard. i do want to stay in school, though. i’m not in high school anymore. i just can’t take a few weeks off for hospitals and the like. i need to actually be in class every time it meets otherwise i’m not going to be able to get through the semester.
i don’t know if my therapist is that worried. she seemd to be slightly worried but not overly so. i don’t know. ever since therapy was moved to every other week i’ve felt distant from here. i’ve cut twice but have neglected to call her. i know that less than a month ago i would have but i’m not sure anymore. it’s really pathetic of me to think that way but i don’t know how to make myself feel happy that i’m not going to therapy every week. i’ve been going to therapy every week for about four years so it’s fucking scary for there to be a change. i should talk to her about it. tell her that while i don’t need therapy as much chaning the scheduling around is scaring the hell out of me. i hope that she understands.
