i was buying some food at this shop at the college. i spent the last of my eighty cents. as i was leaving i saw a razor blade display. they had so many. it made me giddy seeing the double blade razors. i didn’t buy any because i have no money but i’m half convinced i’ll have some sometime this week. i’m truly hopeless. i need to stop self-injuring for my family but i have no *desire* to stop. i like it. it makes me feel good and i’ve been doing it for a really long time. it has gotten me through many frightening periods. i wouldn’t be here if i hadn’t had it. all useless arguments to keep guilt at bay.
i currently feel sick. i think i ate too much or too little. i can never tell. i’ll go the whole day without eating and i won’t even notice and at other times i feel as if i’m starving to death. everything is screwed up inside my head. it helps keep the weight down, though. that’s good. it keeps me happy. i don’t actively purge anymore but i still feel that joy when i lose weight. it’s really sad.
i should try to interact with people. perhaps that will be my goal.
your site is really good!! i like the colors a lot!
I definitely agree to what you’ve written. I stopped cutting myself last year in August and have no clue why i did so. It was a part of my life and it made me feel complete. I’m still thinking about self-injury a lot and sometimes i feel kind of a need to start cutting again, but i’m kinda scared that my parents will find out that i did start again, so i don’t hurt myself. I love my scars and i’m damn afraid that they turn out to fade. i don’t want to hurt my parents with me cutting myself. I caused so much pain inside of them with starving myself and cutting during the last four years. I was hospitalized for five months in 2001 to learn again how to eat regularly and in a pretty normal way. Today i do manage the whole ED issue but i cannot stop thinking about what i felt while cutting and i would like to know if i can handle this, if i will feel the same, if i can stand the pain. it is just an experience. Razors are beautiful to me….thanks for such a great site!