i didn’t work thursday this week. i haven’t *not* worked a thursday since may. part of me is glad. he’s getting too close. i don’t want to tell him something and then regret it later. i don’t mean that i want a relationship with him because i don’t. i’m lonely.
i promised my therapist that i wouldn’t purge this week. it’s been difficult a few times but perhaps it is worth it. i got a new book that contains the diary entries of a girl with anorexia. she died. sometimes i wish i would go that way. it’s horrible because i know i could easily do that. die by my hand, whether in an indirect manner or not.
i should be glad that i’m alive. and sometimes i am. sometimes it’s great just knowing that i made it and that i’m feeling the best i’ve felt in about five years. then at other times i wish i had died. i would have… i was so close. so fucking close.
i sometimes get so angry serving customers. when they’re rude to me or when they yell at me. i spent most of my earlier years being yelled at. i don’t want to be yelled at anymore.
i broke some glass. just a bottle. i haven’t used any of it. i want a blade, a good one. not a razor blade but those nice utility blades they sell at the store. i don’t know why i want to ‘regress.’ recovery is just so fucking scary. i should be glad i’m not as miserable as i used to be but i’m not. i don’t know who i am anymore or what i should be doing. i work and go to school. somehow it isn’t enough. it’s just not enough.
i can’t say i’m feeling too depressed at the moment. nothing like how it used to be. i don’t know how i feel.
“i don
I think everyone wishes they were dead at one time or another.. but think about everything you’ll miss if you did just kill yourself. When I feel like just dying I think about staying alive just to spite everyone who hates me.. hehe.. it works for me
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