or perhaps not. it all depends on how these next few weeks play out.

i went to see my therapist yesterday. every week i weight myself and she charts my weight. it’s usually been at about 105, with fluctuations. one time down to 97lbs and then up to 107lbs. i weight at about 109lbs now and I feel *fat.* i’m not one of those girls who says ‘i’m fat’ to get the common response ‘you’re not fat.’ i feel that i weigh too much. every time a pair of jeans is too tight i just want to jam my finger down my throat and fix it. just like i used to.

i was a bulimic (sans binging) for about a year. i know what it does to my body. i know that it fucked up my teeth and that it was harsh on my stomach. i still want to go back to it.

my sister told me today i was a pig. i had eaten four breadsticks and she called me a pig. needless to say that made my wavering on the subject more resolute. i’m fat and i can’t deal with that right now. i just don’t know what to do.

i promised my therapist to wait two weeks before deciding to alter my eating habits. i will. i did purge earlier today, though. the first time in a long time. it made me feel better. i felt stronger. i felt that i could take on the world. needless to say that feeling won’t last very long.

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