my father told me that i was acting like i was dying. perhaps dragging myself around and trying to smile (though the smile was a trifle false) was not the best i could do. i could smile a bit wider, could straighten myself up and present a confident facade to the world. not that most of the world cares.
i’m biting down on my fingers. not sure what to do. perhaps the slight changes of medication is altering my moods for the worse. yesterday i was on the verge of the panic attack. not quite. i haven’t had a full fledged panic attack since i was a little church going girl at the tender age of fifteen. i bought a packet of double edged razor blades. sharp and ready for that perfect moment. i was considering burning because it would hurt more. i wouldn’t have to worry about seeing adipose tissue, seeing myself bleed. i do love blood, though. that’s one of the main reasons i won’t give it up. the sight of blood has proven to be – again and again -addicting as fuck. there is nothing more beautiful.
sitting here. there is an inane show on in the background. nobody around. where is everyone? i think that i miss him a little. being away from all the little annoyances softens the past. it’s aggravating. i wanted to despise him forever but i can’t.
i was thinking about the abuse. about repression. about his hands on me. i’m dirty. i’m thinking of the knife and what i could do with it. cut myself open from the inside out.
they always want the false smile, but how does the false smile help you? or me…. it doesnt…. its just to make them feel better.
and why… oh why… is the relief and great feeling of cutting so much better than the erm…. yay i didnt cut feeling.
love and hugs
silver
Just wanted to tell you.. You’re in my thoughts.
Love,
Laura.
i found your journal through a bookmark i had saved. as soon as i read the first entry, i felt like i was reading stuff i had written. when i was younger, i used to have an online journal, which i updated by hand. i used to write the words you write now. i used to cut, i used to hear voices, i used to starve myself…and now i don’t. i’ve grown and become a young woman…although i still have my bad days. you too can become whatever you want to be. please be safe, sweety. my thoughts are with you. *faeriekiss*