i spent a couple of hours looking over poems and leaving comments. i’m not very good at that and don’t write down as much as I should but I try. class is in less than an hour. i turned in a poem which said things probably better left unsaid. my mother would kill me if she knew i just wrote down things that not even my brother or sister know about what happened between my parents. of course they knew that my dad tried to blow up the house and that their marriage was failing and all that. they just didn’t know one of the big reasons my dad was so angry.
i don’t think i’ll ever forget what happened. i don’t know why i wrote the truth. should i have lied? it’s all right that internet people think i’m a fuck up but i don’t like real life people knowing my past and what makes me tick and how i’m not exactly the best person in the world. i just can’t stop writing about it. i can’t write anything else. i’ve tried writing happy things and it just doesn’t work out. the words don’t come and, if they do, they feel false and rather ugly.
i did curse too much in that poem. i just wanted to express how bad things were at the time in as little words as possible. ‘messed up’ doesn’t even begin to explain the chaos of the time. things were fucked and i don’t know how to say that poetically. i don’t know how to clean up my language. the funny thing is, with my mother i try to curse as little as possible. in this poem i didn’t try to do this, to pretty it up for her (as if i’d let her read it).
i’m getting a 99% in physics. i flunked last weeks quiz and, i’m sure, this weeks but it will average out. i hope. it’s just amazing to me i was even able to get a decent grade. it’s going to go downhill from here but i’ll still keep trying. tuesday stress physic nights are not going away.
i think that sometimes i feel other people only concentrate on their own personal hurts even as they are lashing out at people. they’re the only person feeling upset. it’s rather frustrating. just because you don’t advertise it and tell everyone doesn’t mean things don’t affect you. it’s pointless to spend so much time on it. i don’t know. i guess i don’t bother too much with all that social stuff at this point. it’s too hard and it hurts too much. too much school, too much coding, too little work. i’m a social cripple. i’m pathetic. i don’t hate anyone right now. is there something wrong with me?
maybe i’ll get to talk to her on friday. i hope. it’s been a long time.
