i think that it’s hard to tell whether or not one has reason to do something. college has been a piece of cake compared to high school because whatever the fuck mental illness they’ve saddled me with (schizoaffective was the last, i think) was uncontrolled before and is now at least somewhat manageable. i’m sure that getting an mfa will be hell, though. *wry smile*
this past week has been horrid. i’ve been taking my medication but everything else has gone wrong. i thought i’d learned to have a handle on the depression but, every single fucking time this happens, i learn that i’m not really the one in control. i’ve probably skipped like four or five classes in the past three weeks. two to meet laura and becky but the rest because of indifference. indifference is what breaks you. depression pain one can deal with but indifference is like someone hitting you in the mouth and it going numb. you’re numb and bleeding and nothing matters. at least i haven’t been weepy.
a customer said ‘it’s disgusting’ in reference to my self-injury. i wondered if she had ever looked in the mirror but that’s just shallow anger. a lot of people have that reaction. i’d rather have all those damn kids call me a bitch because i card them. well, i can be one. i don’t think the scars are as noticeable because i haven’t cut my arms since the end of 2003. disgusting. yeah, well, look in the mirror and you aren’t exactly the prime example of what is beautiful, lady. shallow? fuck yes.
