i tried a dress on today and i looked so fat. i almost cried. i wish i was thin again. yeah, i had no breasts but i could fit into a size 2. so shallow but i’d start starving again just to be thin. except that i get incredibly sick if i don’t eat and my stomach is already painful enough without further damage. every morning is hell until i eat. and eat. and eat. the medication makes me so hungry. it’s disgusting. it’s depressing. when i’m off it the pounds start slipping off and i don’t even eat a third of what i eat now. sorry, random uneasiness with my own body. the funny thing is, when i used to be a size 2 i thought i was i was enormous. if i were still a size 2 i would think i was enormous.
they cut my hours. bad but gives me more time to relax. break is coming up and then i’ll have all the time in the world.
the poem went over well. they especially liked the first stanza. that was my favorite bit, too. giving neighbor boy a blowjob. heh. it’s amazing how much my writing has changed since 2003. i used to crank out a poem about every couple of days but they were terrible. they’re still not that good but there’s been definite improvement. that makes me feel better about majoring in creative writing. i bought my teacher’s book, ‘apple’s bruise’ (lisa glatt). i have yet to read it but i look forward to it. it’s sort of strange reading a book your teacher wrote but then not telling anyone at school you’ve read it. would look sort of bad to fangirl.
So I know I can’t really change how you feel about yourself, but let me just point out a couple things…
Tyra Banks, a gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model (I’m sure you know who she is) is a dress size 8.
Marilyn Monroe was a size somewhere between 10 and 14.
My point is that very skinny isn’t necessarily the only beautiful.
Good luck.
Thank you. I intellectually know it’s not the worst size but the old ‘got to be thin or die’ feelings are hard to overcome. I wish I could be content with my size. I should be.
whoa. i read all your journals last year around this time and i was thinking about them the other day so i decided to go back to your link. i was happy to see that you updated (with a fancy new design) and hope to hear more from you. maybe a poem every now and then?
i think the picture on the top of the page has a very different feel to it. i am jealous of whoever took it.
nice to see you came back. i’ll try to post more poems. i actually finished a short story of sorts the other day. too bad i haven’t written much of anything lately.
the picture is amazing, isn’t it? it’s from a person on deviantart: http://www.deviantart.com/view/14839099/. it does have a different feel. i don’t feel quite so hopeless anymore.