it’s been too long. i’ve been really down for some time. i was slipping up. i was thinking it was going to be that downward fall into hospital time. that’s how it usually goes. it’s been almost exactly a year or perhaps a little over that i was hospitalized. last hospitalization where i slammed doors on my arms and freaked out over little things. rather pathetic. i wish i was there. i don’t know why but i wish i was. i’ve been doing better, though. i cut myself, a little deeper than my usual but not as deep as when i was really immersed in that mindset. i don’t know. there was a lot of blood and i was glad that i was able to do that to myself. i could hurt myself and nobody else could touch me.
classes have been excellent. sir gawain and the green knight was lovely. i really enjoyed it. margery kempe was a fraud. there was a scene where she hurt herself and it was strange for me. she was “crazy” at the time but, i don’t know, it still made me think.
i showed my poem about my grandmother to my workshop. they really liked it. just a few things to look at. i’ve never written about her before. she just was a subject that i felt was off limits. my family would string me up. it just felt right and i love her. i respect her. she’s had a hard life. much harder than mine. i shared some of who she is and didn’t romanticize her or lie. i just still feel nervous about it. figures.
