i wish there was something more. i'm feeling like there's this strange void and unless i keep moving, keep working on something and keep not letting myself think i'll just fall apart. this has been a bad few days. there's no apparent reason for anything going wrong. i'm just falling apart and it isn't fucking romantic. it's not as beautiful as some people would like you to think.
part of me still hasn't accepted that i'll always be ill and that it's not something i'll recover from. i learn to live with it but i won't learn to live without it. most of the time i'm all right but then, i don't know, something wrong goes off in my head and i turn into a mess. i get into loud fights where i hear people say horrible things about me and i just twist every single word into something negative.
i bought some new blades. i went to the store and put two of them in my shoes (damn stupid because i didn't put them in a case) because i was half expecting to be sent back to the hospital. i cut myself getting them out of my shoes and i bled on my posterboard for school. i haven't done anything since then but, oh god, do i want to.
i always picture that time where i was red from the breasts down in blood. just pure red. i want that for me. more than that, i want to slip back into the relative peace of the past few months. i want to worry about little more than school and getting disability. i don't want this. i don't fucking want this.
