i avoid looking at myself in the mirror. i see what i've done to myself with the medication. that thing has fucked up my ability to eat normally in a way only an eating disorder has before… in the exact opposite, of course. i have to get off this medication. i don't want it and it doesn't get any better.

i wrote a new poem called 'mirror balance'. i was reading some pretty well done fanfiction and saw the term used in an essay on the same site. i'm not sure what it means but i used it as a prompt. 

 mirror balance

it was all about
keeping the mirror
in balance,
too close and my eyes
were monstrous
and my nose in the way,
too far and there only
seemed to be a clothed
insect who buzzed
uselessly.
my hands used to
be like claws.
my teeth would gnaw
on my fingers, leaving
them damp and shiny.
that summer of seventeen
i was like a plant that
had been left inside,
skin like wax that
had been scraped off
that sticky paper
on my birthday cakes.

on nights when
my lungs felt starved
of air
i walked the streets
in my bare feet,
ran from my mother
when the street lamps
shone down on
my sharp profile.
the balance of the mirror
had not been in my favor.
in the mirror my eyes
looked bruised
and my mouth pursed,
waiting. everything
was about waiting.
i waited for the
right moment.
i waited for the day the
voice inside my mind
whispered the right words.
i'd obey without question
the same way i obeyed
when the priest said
god was ashamed of me.

there was no mirror
that last night. the black was
endless and the water
was cool in my mouth.

my hands were stilled
as they forgot the connection
between mind and body.

as i forgot myself.

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