i was so fucking tired on it. so damn tired all the time. i'd gotten more energy with the abilify but as the days went on i was more and more tired. i've gotten off the naltrexone and i feel better. they want to know if it will cause me to self-injure more often off it. i want to prove them wrong, so much. i can't go on the naltrexone again.
no more medication. just no more. i'm on enough.
i talked with the therapist yesterday. i told her about my dad and she said it sounded stressful living with him. i denied and she repeated herself. i didn't know what to say. is it stressful to live with a father who is bipolar and is known for his temper? i remember when i used to be so afraid to be near him, sometimes i thought he might strike me or kill me. he's always bragged about how people "see death" in his eyes when he's furious.
i don't know.
i told her about how my brother always protects my dad and always makes excuses for him. my brother is a good guy, he just has that weakness. he can't see how destructive my dad's behavior has been. it's my fault when we argue, it's my fault when dad wants to leave because of something related to me, it's my fault when dad goes crazy because i've said something. when he punched holes in the wall it was all right. even trying to blow up the house was all right.
i don't want to think of all that old hurtful stuff but it does play a big role in the person i am today. it plays a big role in how i view my dad and my relationship to him as a daughter. no respect and always quick to tell him to go fuck himself if he tries any of his controlling bullshit.
no inspiration for poetry. very depressing.
this touched my heart, makes it ache Gabrielle. I read it and wanted to cry.
You are right about your brother.
*hugs*
I dont know what else to say.
This entry broke my heart.
love,
Mandy
Mandy, thank you. I love my brother but he just hasn’t gotten to that point where he can see my dad’s behavior for what it is. <3