shut down? i’m sick and tired of the shit i put up with to try to keep you. you were part of the problem. nobody saw the back scenes. or the freak outs over things. i apologized until the words felt natural in my mouth, i apologized until i felt like nothing. yet i’m the bitch and my poor little site is going to be overrun by meeaaaaaaaan people. that’s more than hypocritical.
i tried to kill myself over the mick situation. well, fuck that. it doesn’t matter. because you’re the victim. always the victim. i try to keep sh stuff out of this blog but you didn’t keep your end of the bargain.
yes, i’m sure people will now think i’m scum of the earth and misled. twenty fucking pms to resolve something i heard from somebody else. most of them groveling and saying i understood. i did. i understand it. the paranoia that makes you want to scream because there’s a bomb in your car, or there’s a hole opening up in the ground, you’re seeing things, you can’t think, you just want to curl up and not live. well, fuck everyone, i’m going to live and i’m going to be the bitch everyone thinks i am.
i don’t hate you but you put me through hell and for what? i put you through hell and for what? i spent all of break trying to fix the server and like two people noticed. all the fucking bitching. i missed thanksgiving with my family for a fucking site and nobody gives two shits.
no, it’s all bad. all fucking bad.
i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i’m so angry but i still love you and that’s what makes it so hard. i’m sorry. please?
Although I’ve never posted a comment before this one, I’m a frequent visitor of your sites. I’ve listened to your discussions on literature, your daily life, and your highs and lows. I think you’re awesome to post a piece of your soul on a blog, and I wanted to let you know that you aren’t doing it for nothing. I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone, because you’ve shown me that I’m not.
Do I think you’re misled or scum of the earth? Not a chance! You’re a messenger unafraid of the truth, a rare quality. You missed thanksgiving with your family in order to keep this site up and running, to spend time with your fans, with me and I’m so grateful. I have to go to class now, but I’ll try to show my support from now on. By the way if you e-mail a response to me (Please do!), type your name as the Subject in Caps so that I don’t accidentally erase it.
I apologize.
During your break I was so caught up in myself that I couldn’t see what was happening to you.
I want to die, I want to die..
Why don’t you do it then???
I tell you why. Because you don’t have a clue what life is and as a matter of fact I don’t either, I believe nobody really does.
Instead of saying I want to die, dig inside yourself and find what makes life worthwhile. Don’t tell me nothing. That’s a terrible lie. It means that you haven’t searched.
We’re all god’s little creatures and god has nothing to do with religions. God is inside you, is a part of you. Find him and follow him.
Tasos
I’d already attempted and nearly succeeded earlier in the month. I have a purpose even though I may seem pathetic.
I’m allowed to express my feelings. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed and become suicidal. That doesn’t mean I’m going to do it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to my family and telling them the same thing. *shrugs*
Gabrielle,
I’ve been though terrible situations myself some years ago. You need to realise that no matter what YOU ARE responsible for your self. Nobody else.
Try to think where you are and where you want to go and then find the way to. Nothing is easy but we don’t like easy things. We want our way to be hard and difficult.
Don’t listen too much to doctors. They are just saying words. You know what’s wrong with you and you don’t need to find another word to define it. It’s pointless.
Change everything. I mean everything.Your friends, your environment, your city, your country. Try something new. Give your self the opportunity of a fresh start. That’s what you need. Start now!
It takes time but don’t give up.
I don’t really now who are you and why I am writting you but you are young and life is unpredictable. You can’t realise or imagine how unpredictable is. Truly.
Take care – your unknown Greek friend from London.
Tasos
Yes, you’re right that I have to take responsibility for myself. It’s something that I have to face. I sometimes wish changing my life would help but I have to change myself before that would help. I know what I want to do after school. I’ve started taking steps towards not being so dependent on my family but I also have to know my limitations. I will always feel fear. Not because my doctor tells me I have a diagnosis but because it’s been there since I was a girl. It just doesn’t have to control me. I can’t run away.