i’ve got to get moving on phpfan since all the necessary changes have been done. i think i’ll be moving any updates to the database in an ‘updates’ section in the admin panel. would make life easier for people updating. hmm.
i went to the ‘human sexuality’ class and it was pretty fun. i was one of the few girls who admitted or knew what rimming was. *g* fanfiction, how i love thee.
on the same old track. i feel disconnected from just about everyone i want to feel connected to.
i redid the layout on self-injury.net and that was pretty frustrating to figure out. bad ie6, very bad! i must have changed little things a couple hundred times over the course of two days. now it’s working all right. not satisfied but c’est la vie.
i’ve been reading an anthology of personal stories by latinas. not long personal stories but i keep finding myself nodding. i don’t feel connected with my parent’s culture and i feel sometimes embarassed by the things people expect of me because of who they are (there was this teacher, she expected me to fare poorly in school because of some unnamed factor and i’d only known her for about two minutes). silly, huh? i feel a bit embarassed admitting that because a lot of people bristle when i make any vague mention of race. hell, i pretended i was white for years online because i didn’t want to be treated differently. now i just don’t give a fuck. i wouldn’t want to know anybody who’d treat me differently for happening to have mexican parents. better or worst.
don’t know. i feel racist towards my own culture and that feels bad. except i don’t like the cuntwads who’re lambasting them on the radio, either. turning on kfi last year was disheartening, not because they wanted to keep the illegal immigrants out (i can agree with that) but because they talked about these people like they weren’t even human. it disgusted me. like there was this bit about an immigrant girl who’d been sexually abused and they go on about her immigration status. that started an argument because i said our family didn’t need to listen to idiots like that.
i have half a mind to erase the above two paragraphs because i got political. hate doing that after the issues with my father. whatever, it stays.
i’m also reading ‘the black dahlia’. so far i got to know about the zoot soot riots, it was interesting to see it from a policeman’s perspective. bits of reading every morning and some at night. i wonder how long it will take me to get through them. i have quite a bit of reading coming up for both my classes. fun. i think they’ll be worth it, though. i hate the thirty minute presentations expected, though. *hate* them.
Very very familiar. Hospitals. i can’t compete with that. I pray to myself every night to not wake up in the mourning. As usual, a wish that never comes true.
that feeling is familiar, of not wanting to wake up. there can be moments/periods of it getting better.
hospitals aren’t so bad, sometimes. there are times when it’s like being caged but, at other times, the only lifeline left.
no need to compete. take care of yourself.