I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. It’s an annoying feeling. I was added on Facebook by some old high school friends and I realized I hadn’t seen some of these people in years. I;ve been in stasis for more years than I can count.
I’ve been having fun capitalizing old fanfiction and adding it to fanfiction.net. I’ve gotten some comments and favorites and that really made my day. I usually only share my written work on Safe Haven and a few of my least favorite pieces on my writing website.
Finally, I’m done watching movies for my Fiction and Film class. It’s been fun but coming out of class at 10 at night was annoying. I turned in my final paper on Thursday and I’m going to turn in my response journal on Tuesday and will take the final exam. Then I’m done with school for a whole six days. I don’t think I’m a better critic than I used to be (I’ve always been a poor critic) but I liked quite a few of the movies we watched.
If you remember that person I took interest in over the summer. I realized he really cares for this other woman and I’m really happy for him. I feel only friendship for him and it’s freeing. I was really happy and despairing for a while at the same time but now I can breathe.
A poem I wrote the day before Christmas.
the snow came down,
fragile in the air,
alighting on our shoulders;
it was the same color as your
face exposed above
your scarf. you swayed on your
feet with sleep heavy above
your head like clouds filled with rain.
i could ring my thumb and finger
around your wrist, feeling the bones
of your wrist grind together restlessly.
your knees crack when you walk
down the front path, the tendons
stretched too thin. the stairs
are slippery with ice, you nearly
go over the edge twice, your arms
battling the air for balance.
the apple in your hand is pretense,
stashed in the glove compartment
when i turn my head towards the road.
this is how it ends, with my hands
fluttering above your face, wanting
to touch your eyes (bruised with lack),
feeling you breathe warmly in and out.
you are passed out in the passenger seat, your
mouth half open, exposing teeth worn
down by grinding and moments spent
hovering above the trash can or toilet seat.
your shoulders are straight when you check
into the hospital on christmas day, i imagine
the bones beneath like birds wings, ready for flight.
your name above the dotted line slumps over
in defeat. i hug you, the words i want to say
die in stillbirth in my throat. you laugh, throaty,
saying it needs to get easier.
i watch the white walls swallow you up,
your face disappearing behind the thick door,
the window showing sickly white faces
and hollowed out eyes.
the car drive home is long, the radio
playing your favorite tune, then the announcer
saying, merry christmas to all you folks out there,
it’s going to be a pretty good day.
