It’s been a little over a year since I opened this domain so a new layout was in order. Starts off with Moby-Dick — god, I wanted to stab that book — and ends with my version of the ending credits of Woman in the Dunes.
I started clinicals last Wednesday. My instructor contacted me last Tuesday and I opted to start immediately. No sense in putting it off.
I’m pleased. It’s my first time on the clock in over three years because of my disability even if I’m not getting paid! The pharmacist is lovely and its privately owned so its the perfect start for me.
I’d been very worried the week that came before starting clinicals. A few people in my life were concerned about my health care situation and whether or not my illness would come to life again with the added stress. As it was, I had about five days of not engaging in old self-destructive behavior rather than the year of not doing any of that before that indulgence. Some symptoms started cropping up, my sleep was suffering, I wasn’t functioning well enough for me to have faith in myself or for others to have faith in me.
One of my downfalls is that I feel I should be able to think my way out of this illness, I should be able to will myself into health. That makes little sense. Should an individual with cancer be able to will the illness out of their body? I think not.
I will either sink or swim but I opt to try. I will keep going to clinicals until my hours are up and then I will decide what to do from there. I don’t think I will try to work full-time for now because that would be very stupid and then I’d lose the health insurance I have now, which means no means to get medication, and I’d be in a bad spot. Which completely downplays that I’d be non-functional within a few weeks. Yes, I know that it’s possible I could get health care through work but my situation is complicated and that would mean I’d have to remain ‘well’ enough to work.
I like the layout! I really hope that the clinicals can be helpful for you and can give you some hope and way to beat your illness. I suffered for depression for years and finally gave in to medication. Thankfully they have really helped me a lot. I have tried to take myself off them a few times, but I find myself falling into the same patterns (like becoming so sad and helpless, getting angry and lashing out at the ones I love for no reason and having ‘dark thoughts’.) So if I can keep myself bubbling a long, even on medication I am okay with that right now. I can understand people that are not a fan of medication and being depend on pills, it took me at least two years to even try the pills because I didn’t want to and thought there was no way they could help, and I should just deal with my problems. It’s impossible, the chemicals in the brain are running wild and you can’t control them. (Evil monsters!)
.-= Kya´s last blog ..Hey Future, what’s up? =-.
Thanks.
You’re completely right that sometimes medication is necessary because of the chemicals being imbalanced and such, wreaking havoc. I haven’t been truly off medication for more than a week or so in years. I used to be really bad about taking it because I didn’t want to believe I needed it but once I did take it every day I was able to do more, go out with friends, etc. I’m glad medication has worked for you, I see people so reluctant to take pills but sometimes it’s worth a shot if you’re not living life the way it should be (not that it should be perfect but every day shouldn’t be miserable).
I’ll never beat my illness but I’m learning to live with the limitations and trying to overcome some of those limitations little by little. Life is good.
I like the new layout Gabrielle
Sorry about your illness and what you’re going through right now… all I can say is yeah, you have to have the fighting spirit and the willpower to get well. I know it’s hard but i’m sure with the support of your friends and family, you can manage. All it takes is inner strength to be able to fight any complications in life and that’s a fact. You can do it 
We’re here for you and i’ll pray for you.
You’re definitely right in that I need fighting spirit and willpower. I’ve been doing my best at clinicals and despite the fact that I do not get the breaks most other places would give (I get a 1/2 hour lunch break for 8 1/2 hours and that’s basically it), thus ending the day in a state of utter exhaustion, I feel optimistic every day I come home from a day there.
I will never be free of this illness because it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain that does not have a cure but I’ve been attempting to live my life in spite of of the complications it brings to it.
I’mg glad you like the layout, by the way. *g*
Hey Gabrielle, the new layout is pretty and I love the colour scheme!
I shall pray for you! I have a friend who is undergoing the same problem. She had to skip school for a year and then when she enrolled in another one, the stress became too much for her and she had to take therapy.
I hope the clinicals help you.
.-= Dizzy´s last blog ..Jealousy =-.
Though we’re not really close I’m also worried about your health… And so, you’ve gotta be strong.. I’m sure that you can work things out.. just be positive.. Sometimes some medication doesn’t work so all we have to do is to PRAY!! it works
.-= Melle´s last blog ..With sisters & a friend.. Guess where =-.
@Dizzy: Thanks, I’m glad you like the layout.
Clinicals have been a big help. I’m feeling more confident. It should be only three weeks more. I haven’t missed a single day and I try to be as positive as I can — without getting into annoying territory — towards the patients. Thank you for praying for me.
@Melle: I’ve been trying to be positive.
I keep on going to clinicals, keep on taking my medication, etc. Just doing that is making me feel more positive even though I’m still struggling in other aspects of my life. Three weeks — maybe a day more — and I’ll have my pharmacy tech license.