My life took a bad turn and I was hospitalized for a week and a half. It’s hard admitting that I lost the fight. Not that I did anything drastic since that would be unthinking of me but I let my family down and I let myself down.
I was put on Seroquel and I think it was the second worst medication I’ve been on and I’ve been on a lot. At the dosage the psychiatrist at the hospital put me on I was a zombie. I was unable to hold a conversation and thinking was very difficult. If somebody asked me a question it was very hard to answer so I went with “I don’t know” because I really didn’t know what I was thinking or feeling. I wouldn’t recommend my next move which was to only take part of the dosage. I had never been full of so much rage. I got into a lot of fights with my family. It wasn’t normal to hope people would drop dead simply because they existed. On the days I didn’t take it at all my family sighed in relief because I wasn’t angry and I wasn’t a zombie either.
I saw my regular psychiatrist on Monday and I’m on a new medication and am feeling all right. Not sure how it’s going to turn out but I’m keeping my hopes up. He also reassured me by reaffirming my (and my family’s) belief that the diagnosis the psychiatrist at the hospital gave me was wrong since I didn’t fit with the symptoms.
I try to keep a lot of the negativity off this blog on the odd occasion I write in it. I have what I have and my main goal is to live my life as normally as I can. I don’t want to write my diagnosis here but it will never go away, neither therapy nor medication can make me recover, but I am not going to let it win.
Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Just wandered over here because I was searching for a Shirley Jackson quotation and found it on your other site (along with many other beautiful words). Your blog post reminded me of some things I’ve heard at a mental health self help group I’ve attended (Recovery International), about how setbacks are average and do not mean a full return of the illness. They also say there are no hopeless cases and we are all apprentices working persistantly and relentlessly on our mental health; “making a business of our mental health” (as it sounds like you are doing). Sometimes we try/fail, try/fail, try/fail, then try/succeed. Remember to endorse yourself for your efforts! Anyway, I wish you well… and wellness.
Thank you. That means a lot. There are definitely no hopeless cases but I’ll admit I’ve been really struggling. It’s hard to admit that sort of thing outside of my forum. I’m still continuing with treatment so it’s just the keep trying until something works. Home life has been very difficult. I didn’t realize how much until somebody said I was living with a ‘maniac’ but there’s really nowhere else I’d have my main support and a psychiatrist I’m comfortable with and a therapist I’m re-learning to be comfortable with. Here’s to keeping fighting the fight.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a rough time lately, but I praise God that your strength to make it through is helping you recover quickly. <3 God be with you during this time. Praying for you.
Thank you for the prayers. <3 It’s been tough at home so it’s hard to concentrate on what I need to be doing sometimes.
HI… You dont me. my name is davlyn. a few days ago i did a search on an old friend from high school that i think you knew- David Fitzsimmons. He used to hang out with me and my friends when he was living with his father in Louisiana… I didn’t know anything about what happened… it came to a complete shock to me. I was just wondering if you would be willing to send me an e-mail so i could just talk to you about what happened to him. He was my friend and it broke my heart. i tried to get in touch with you on twitter but im not sure ifu got my reply. my e-mail address in Davlynrae@yahoo.com. if its too painful to talk about i completly understand. id just like to speak with a friend who knew him when this tragady happened. if you would be so kind to e-mail me, i would appricate it. god bless -Davlyn Nolan