- Mrs Dalloway, Virginia Woolf

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This is what I felt tonight. This moment of December. Alive and happy to be alive. The past few days were tough and had some downs but tonight at the coffee house with my cousin and my brother I felt a connection with them I haven’t felt with other people in a long time. I’m fine with telling people personal things but I rarely feel anything when telling it, rarely want the other person to understand how it made me feel. It’s usually told as a funny story, as a joke. My life, the joke. I told them about the one thing that somebody said to me that haunts me to this day. I don’t think I’ve told anybody but my mom that except for on the Internet because there’s a wall (screen?) between me and people on the Internet.

The coffee house itself was gorgeous. A converted house with a garden, fire pit, patio, pond. I want to go back.

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Christmas was lovely, at least in some parts. The family parts were overwhelming but I made tamales de azucar with my cousin and they were delicious. I didn’t get too many presents but I appreciate what was given me.

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I’ve moved all my photomanipulations and amateur photography to this main site/blog instead of a separate site.

i was going to go to a new years celebration of sorts but the plans fell through because it was too expensive.

i’m starting school again on wednesday. forty hours compressed into ten days, should be all right. lots of books for the class, though. fiction and film involves some movie watching, at least. then school again at the end of january for the start of spring semester. i have all english classes so should be all right.

i’m currently doing a lot of updates/bugfixes/changes for phpfan. version 3.3.0 should be out when i finish up. some ajax added, new templates, new features. not completely drastic but it has a new look, too.

here’s some of the digital art i’ve done in the past few months.

you will bloom like her heart through the blouse in the back of the ambulance

stock: spectralfairystock

textures: rain harbour, :: exposed ::

brushes: fabricate-stock

quote: Steps Ascending – Thursday

800*600, 1024*768

the snow came down last night like moths

image: tuku-stock, cardboard-stock

quote: First Snow in Alsace – Richard Wilbur

bigger

a woman like that is not afraid to die

stock: cosmiksquirelstock, poisongrin

textures: ex-posed, rain harbour

quote: Her Kind – Anne Sexton

bigger

we are as flowers unfolding

stock: night-fate-stock, intergalacticstock, sassy-stock

textures: ex-posed

bigger

i hear the guards call my name

stock: stockii, black-ofelia-stock
texture: intuitive art
quote: take to the sky – tori amos

1024*768 / 800*600

the girl who never wrote back

stock: empatia-stock, cybergranny-stock

textures: sanami276, omahastock, ro-stock

brush: chokingonstatic

bigger

holds it in her hand

stock: intergalacticstock, sheisprettystock

quote: Capitães da Areia – Jorge Amado

bigger

indifferent to life itself

stock: foureyestock, hilarykeller

bigger

the guy i was talking about with the wrong impression? he’s stopped talking to me completely because i told him i wasn’t interested. didn’t see that one coming because i never made any advances and never promised anything. i guess the human ego can be fragile enough that you drop a supposed friend as if they were nothing. it’s not like i was horrible about rejecting him. my first real life friend in years.

i’m still going out places with that friend i knew in high school. ’tis very cool, today i met some of his friends. i learned that i’m terrible at pool but that it’s very fun playing when other people aren’t competitive. also, when some are barely better than myself.

so far there have been three attempted break-ins at home. sort of strange considering nobody has ever tried to break in before. just leaves me a bit frightened. maybe that was sort of the point – frightening all of us at home – because i figure if somebody really wanted to steal something they’d have managed it by now.

i’ve just finished haunted by chuck palahniuk. was mixed on it. the stories were interesting, some of them a bit disconcerting. especially ‘guts’, which was one of the most memorable stories in the novel. it was very original, overall. it just got to be a bit much, sometimes.

i like to buy books for no reason at all. enough to satisfy some urge within me. i just browser and pick. today i bought: the history of love (nicole krauss), it’s not chick lit, the best american nonrequired reading 2006, and women on the edge. in execrable taste i also bought: an assembly such as this, duty and desire, and these three remain. all by pamela aidan. i haven’t read a good short story in quite some time. i hope i find something of worth. yes, i know the titles are supposed to be underlined.

today is a good day. i’ve been taking the whole weekend off from school-related things. worked a little on my links script. making the admin cp validate and look a lot nicer in up-to-date browsers. yay. maybe i’m strange. i like people to link to me when they use my scripts but i won’t refuse to release a script because there’s a good chance people will forget or refuse to link to me. anyway, it’s rather ugly when someone hardcodes (in javascript, no less) a link back to the script site or even encodes it so you can’t really edit how it looks like. on a forum it doesn’t matter but if it’s just a snippet it’s pretty fucking ugly. i’m all for sticking credits on the bottom or on a neat box on the side or something.

i also made a digital art. i wanted to do another postcard but this was what came up. found some old pictures of auschwitz on my computer and i had an idea. certainly nothing to do with nazis or the holocaust they carried out.

brushes (paper): ubersuper.com
stock: pamelacolnaghi, snowxwhitexsuicide

i have absolutely no creative writing or english classes this semester. there seems very little to talk about it terms to the printed word because i haven’t read anything absolutely gorgeous offline in quite some time. from time to time i come across poetry that’s done, i tend to stick to the same handful of poets to read. i wish their words were my own.

i’ve done quite a few digital arts over the past few days. it’s been fun to just sit down and piece it all together like a collage. except not. i wasn’t pleased with the first john lennon fanart but the rest were all right. most of them are at self-indulgent.

i had a bit of a bad time last week. the usual, paranoia and random anger at people that didn’t make much sense. called my therapist after talking with somebody and got an appointment and now i feel much better. i hate not having control over this.

i sometimes wonder why it's so hard to look at oneself directly and know something that you don't like is true. i do sometimes look for comfort and it's not something i would have done years ago. yet i also strongly believe i'm better at living than i was so many years ago. i believe that letting myself open up has made me better in the long run. yet i feel so needy.  

i finally got the 'inspiration', if it can be called that, to do something.

800*600, 1024*768
stock: glamorousacid-stock, stock.xchng

i've been doing all right. a lot of anxiety lately. i did some work for my mom today.

here's a digital art i finished a couple days ago. i've been putting off posting it on sh or anyplace. might as well. i just feel so empty and not like doing anything productive. i will continue to work on things, though. i've got a hermione/ginny piece i need to edit and then post.

fabemiko-stock, wh-stock

people were concerned i disappeared. i was just feeling so awful i hardly even thought of sh while at the hospital. i just slept so much that my body started aching every time i turned over. i could feel myself pressing into the plastic mattress. yuck.