I was put on Seroquel and I think it was the second worst medication I’ve been on and I’ve been on a lot. At the dosage the psychiatrist at the hospital put me on I was a zombie. I was unable to hold a conversation and thinking was very difficult. If somebody asked me a question it was very hard to answer so I went with “I don’t know” because I really didn’t know what I was thinking or feeling. I wouldn’t recommend my next move which was to only take part of the dosage. I had never been full of so much rage. I got into a lot of fights with my family. It wasn’t normal to hope people would drop dead simply because they existed. On the days I didn’t take it at all my family sighed in relief because I wasn’t angry and I wasn’t a zombie either.

I saw my regular psychiatrist on Monday and I’m on a new medication and am feeling all right. Not sure how it’s going to turn out but I’m keeping my hopes up. He also reassured me by reaffirming my (and my family’s) belief that the diagnosis the psychiatrist at the hospital gave me was wrong since I didn’t fit with the symptoms.

I try to keep a lot of the negativity off this blog on the odd occasion I write in it. I have what I have and my main goal is to live my life as normally as I can. I don’t want to write my diagnosis here but it will never go away, neither therapy nor medication can make me recover, but I am not going to let it win.

Despite everything going to school, learning a bit of binary, even learning Access and Excel are when I have my best moments. Where I feel connected to other people and even though I don’t talk about anything important I feel good about what I’m talking about.

I’m learning to take joy in tiny things even as everything else is coming apart and I’m not sure what the proper response to that is. I don’t want to be one of those people who will find miserable things to say to other people (e.g. ‘I did —- with my friend at  a party’ ‘I hate parties’).

I’m either sentimental or miserable (which I don’t verbalize in the fashion of the example I made because that’s just toxic). There need to be more options.

This post is image heavy.

Favorite Films of 2009

#1 – Star Trek XI

The odd movie curse? Bullshit! This movie renewed my interest in Star Trek fandom. It was a big injection of new life, new blood into the fandom that supposedly started it all. Instead of going over the same old ground it took Star Trek and changed the publics perception of it, made it fun and accessible. Yes, I already thought it was a fun and I had liked Star Trek: The Original Series but my interest in that particular show had long waned though I never said no when glimpsing a rerun. I think the new movie was very much needed and while it changed quite a bit it didn’t make it so that old Trekkies couldn’t join in on the fun. One thought I remember having? They killed Amanda! She had been such a presence in my old fandom. The loss of Vulcan also shocked me to the core. I couldn’t image it not being there.

#2 – (500) Days of Summer

Yes, in many ways it was a typical indie flick and if it hadn’t been shown out of sequence would I have liked it as much? Probably not.  Still, I think Joseph Gordon-Levitt makes me love this film. More so than Zooey Deschanel. His dance sequence, the bipolar ups and downs that came with the way the days were sewn together, his faith and then the loss of that faith because of a girl who I didn’t care for very much. I did dislike the ending, hated it. The joke, the pushing of the point fell flat. Still, there were many magic moments before that.

#3 – Up

To be quite honest, the last Pixar film I’d seen before Up was Finding Nemo and I was still working at the movie theater back then so it’s been a while. I think what grabbed a hold of me in Up was the humanity of the characters. It wasn’t afraid to show some of the sadder parts of being human without making the character the bad guy. It showed that age doesn’t mean there’s nothing to look forward in life. It had messages but these messages didn’t feel forced, they came naturally and they were accepted with little complaint. The love story brought me to tears, especially with its sad conclusion. Except the movie didn’t end sadly, it rose up and up.

#4 – The Hangover

To say I was not expecting this movie to be awesome is an understatement. I actually was pretty much in the dark until the day I saw the film and it exceeded my expectations by a mile and more. It’s funny in a way no other film has been funny this past year. Things kept piling on and on but it didn’t get tiresome. I kept wanting more clues, I kept wanting to figure out what happened that night. Following the characters backtrack through the night that had them waking up in a trashed hotel room with a baby, a tiger in the bathroom, and a chicken was a promising start. This movie delivered.

#5 – The Reader

This movie did not come out in 2009 but I didn’t see it until this past spring. Kate Winslet owned her role, she deserved the awards she won. I started watching this film expecting good things and was happy to see it fulfilled my expectations. It made me wonder what I would have done. How I would have felt. How do you feel when someone you love is revealed to be what many would consider a monster? When you learn that they have done terrible things, things they never shared with you, which you never suspected they were capable of. It’s not the story of a summer love, it’s said to be the story of the German people but it’s also the story of every person who finds out what they know about their loved one is not the reality, is so far from reality that it damages you forever.

Favorite Characters of 2009

#1 – Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D. from The Big Bang Theory (TV)

A mix of arrogance, genius and great naïveté. He’s not like Leonard who likes the things he’s nerdy about but doesn’t like that he’s nerdy about the things he’s nerdy about. Sheldon embraces his love of comic books, of Doctor Who, Star Trek, of physics. Despite his usually unwitting tendency to be an asshole he doesn’t come off as an unlikeable character. He is remarkably out of his depth when it comes to emotions and people and I think that mixture of arrogance, lack of tact, and vulnerability attracts many female viewers in a way the more tactful (or shall we say passive aggressive?) Leonard will never be able to do.

#2 – Leonard H. McCoy from Star Trek (TV/Film)

Despite the fact that I never found McCoy attractive until Star Trek XI I’ve always enjoyed him as a character. His playful (and sometimes not so) arguments with Spock in Star Trek: The Original Series were a high point of that show for me. McCoy may be old fashioned but he’s a hell of a doctor. He’s also n0t one to back down. His past may be dark and he’s pretty much the bitter alcoholic of the nu!Trek fandom but throughout the years he’s shown himself to be so much more than that. I still remember watching the campfire scene from one of the past Star Trek movies and being moved by the friendship he had with Spock and Jim and how it continued outside of the Enterprise. It wasn’t just a work friendship, they were lifelong friends.

#3 – James Tiberius Kirk from Star Trek (TV/Film)

I’ll admit that Jim Kirk was my least favorite of the trio back when I was catching Star Trek reruns. Back then my crush on Spock was pretty hardcore. I think the new, more damaged Jim of Star Trek XI interests me more than his TOS counterpart. Yes, they’re both chasing after women but Jim is rougher around the edges, he has scars, he has survived. Not that TOS Kirk had a perfect life but he had more a surety when it came to his parents, especially his father. Frat boy Jim is all right to read about, sometimes very fun, but I think the fact that he is a genius, driven to do in three years what typically takes four, and does not believe in failure can become very minimized, sometimes even forgotten. Not that every story needs to be a sobfest or serious but the guy is not an airhead. Love you, Jim.

#4 – Spock from Star Trek (TV/Film)

It may be hard to believe but I was actually in Star Trek fandom  as early as 2001. I remember signing up for a Spock/Chapel mailing list on September 11, 2001 (messed up, yeah?). That was because Spock was the character I thought was the most attractive of Star Trek: The Original Series. It was serious and I could not tell anybody in real life because, seriously, a teenager liking Spock from Star Trek? Laaaaame! I cared about such things back in my youth. After a couple of years I pretty much stopped reading Spock/Chapel fanfiction but I still loved Spock. The reason I did not name him higher than Jim or McCoy was because this is 2009 and the Spock I saw on the big screen in 2009 kicked ass but he was no Leonard Nimoy! Even my glee at seeing Spock in a relationship (yes, I like Spock/Uhura despite the suckage of the fic in the past few months) could not change this fact. Still, I feel Quinto makes a good Spock and seeing Spock gain so much popularity was a big middle finger to the people who previously said Star Trek was uncool. Spock is genius, he genuinely cares about his friends, he is a child of two worlds (seeing him grapple with his human and Vulcan side was another one of my favorite bits of TOS) and, yes, the Vulcan-ness is plain hot.

#5 – Nyota Uhura (TV/Film)

I wish I could say I was a fan of Star Trek: The Original Series Uhura but she registered very little with me then. Probably because 1960s audiences weren’t ready for a kickass woman of color. Yes, I liked her but what strikes me is that oftentimes she did very little other than her job.  Maybe this is bad memory because it’s been a while since I was watching reruns but there you have it. Revolutionary for her time but by the standards of a young woman in the 1990s not revolutionary at all. Star Trek XI made me love Uhura. She was smart, sassy, and ambitious. She retained some of that nurturing streak she had from TOS but she was no longer strong and silent. She was strong and she let the world know. I know that did not sit well with many fans used to TOS Uhura or who felt the main relationships were destroyed by her presence, by her being more important to Spock than either McCoy or Jim. I still enjoyed her a lot more and felt that she wasn’t just the “girlfriend”. Well, unless McCoy was just the “best friend”?

Music of 2009

#1 – Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog Soundtrack

I downloaded this soundtrack on whim after remember how much I enjoyed watching this web film. It garned over 100 plays in a few weeks and became a staple of my 2009 music experience. I even made my first music ringtone a clip from one of the songs. My favorite voice of the soundtrack is Neil Patrick Harris, closely followed by Felicia Day.  It’s an entertaining soundtrack to listen to, a mixture of angst and humor.

‘Brand New Day’, ‘Freeze Ray’, ‘My Eyes’.

#2 – Metric

I’d been a fan of Metric ever since I heard the first song off Grow Up and Blow Away but my admiration for the band didn’t reach its full potential until the release of Fantasies. It was a solid album for me and it converted some of the people in my life into Metric fans (always a plus in a family that considers my music jarring to listen to). It was great to listen to a song on the radio (before I got my hands on the album) and say, ‘That sounds like Metric!’ For me, seeing a band I enjoy find some fame doesn’t mean they lose their cool points… not automatically, anyway.

‘Sick Muse’, ‘Help I’m Alive’, ‘Gimme Sympathy’

#3 – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I’d had ‘Art Star’ kicking around on my computer for years and enjoyed ‘Warrior’, ‘Maps’, ‘Y Control’ and other songs off their earlier albums. In fact, much of 2009 was spent listening to their earlier albums. It’s Blitz was a different sound from them with some great songs but it didn’t match my favorites. Perhaps because once I choose a favorite it’s hard to oust it from it’s top position. Still, 2009 was the year I fell in love with Yeah Yeah Yeahs and before their newest release. I love Karen O’s voice, it’s rawness and power is exactly what I like to hear.

‘Heads Will Roll’, ‘Warrior’, ‘Maps’

#4 – Woods

From the moment I heard ‘Rain On’ I knew this band would take up more than one or two slots on my playlist. That haunting music and voice. It’s low-key in ways that many of the other artists I listen to aren’t but I find the Songs of Shame album gorgeous. I even downloaded their Daytrotter Session because this sort of sound is what I was hoping to hear from 2009 but hadn’t until I heard Woods.

‘Rain On’, ‘Gypsy Hand’, ‘Where and What Are You?’

#5 – Camera Obscura

I’d heard and dismissed Camera Obscura in less than 30 seconds years ago. Then I heard ‘Other Towns & Cities’ from My Maudlin Career and thought, ‘well, this is a different sound than what I remember’. I listened to the song on and off, enjoying its melancholy and the lead singer’s voice. Then I downloaded the rest of the album and fell in love with ‘French Navy’. I like this version of Camera Obscura, it’s far more entertaining than whatever it was I heard all those years ago. I hope they continue with this new sound.

‘French Navy’, ‘Other Towns & Cities’, ‘My Maudlin Career’

Favorite Books of 2009

#1 – Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood

I think what puts this at the top of the list is how interesting this novel was to read. It wasn’t Atwood’s best. It was no The Blind Assassin but it was entertaining. Jimmy is the only real character of the piece and not a very likeable one at that but this different future — this dystopia — Atwood spins is hard to look away from.  The funny names and wordplay were great to read, the websites, how the classes had separated even further, how the arts had fallen so far they were considered pointless, it was a fast read. The first chapter is the hardest to get through. It gets easier and easier as the book goes on.

#2 – Henry and June by Anaïs Nin

I’d collected a number of quotes from Anaïs Nin before ever reading one of her journals in full. Her way of expressing things captivated me. Henry and June was a good start into her writing.  In many ways Nin is terrible person, very deceptive and self-indulgent. In other ways, she expresses her story of awakening in such a beautiful way it’s easy to overlook the fact she’s in love with two people at once, both who are not her husband and leads on several more. There is a glamour to her life, a beauty, and, oh the way she expresses her feelings.

#3 – Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger

I’d read and loathed Catcher in the Rye over ten years ago. Holden was the sort of character I wanted to choke to death and because of that I avoided Salinger’s work like the plague. Then I got some good reviews of his short stories and took interest. Nine Stories was the one I bought and read this past year and it completed changed my view of Salinger. “A Perfect Day for Bananafish” and that shocking and perfect ending. The beauty of “For Esmé – with Love and Squalor”. Salinger knows how to write and his dialogue is spot on.

#4 – The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle

I enjoyed the animated film when I was a kid, it was one of those that never seemed to get old. The book is even better. Gorgeous writing and an awareness that it’s a fairytale while still losing none of its magic.  It’s has a sense of humor. All the characters are searching and it rather reminds me that I too am searching for something. Like them I have not found it but I must carry on. A book which is more lyrical than the film based upon it but in which the film captures much of its beauty.

#5 – Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez

A beautiful book with lush descriptions. It is not the story of one love, of The Love, but of many loves, in all their different forms. It’s a book that needs re-reading and then more re-reading. Florentino explores what love means, what it is, in what forms it comes as. I think I have a very limited understanding of this novel because it’s outside of the realm I usually travel in but I find I like visiting there.

Top ‘Ships of 2009

#1 – Sheldon & Penny (The Big Bang Theory)(TV)

I discovered this relationship back in the spring, it’s what caused me to take a second look at The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon and Penny are nothing alike in many ways but their scenes together on the show are magic. They bring out the best in the show. It’s obvious they both care for one another and that they are the alpha male and female of their group and that they have very little chance of being a couple at this point.  I spent a month reading all the fic in the fandom which was a lot smaller back then. Since then interest in the ‘ship has exploded.

#2 – Spock & McCoy (Star Trek) (TV/Film)

I prefer their Star Trek: The Original Series counterparts when it comes to fanfiction. The show had them bickering with one another like an old married couple. They genuinely cared for one another. This ‘ship can be a fluff fest (well as fluffy as fic with a Vuclan can be) or it can be the darkest angst possible. I do not like their mirror!universe counterparts very much, at least not when it comes to ‘shipping them. The affection and teasing in their relationships is one of the biggest draws for me and I feel most of that is lost in mirror!universe fic.

#3 – Kirk & McCoy (Star Trek) (TV/Film)

This is mostly a ‘ship brought about by the Star Trek XI film. It works in Star Trek: The Original Series, too, but it lacks the academy fic. Both the characters from the new film are damaged and they clearly come to care about one another to the point that McCoy risks his career by sneaking Kirk onto the ‘ship, he just cannot bear to leave him behind. He might grumble about it but that’s just because that’s what he does. The potential for angst is enormous and the fic writers have delivered.

#4 – Billy & Penny (Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog) (Web Film)

A clearly dysfunctional and hopeless pairing, considering the ending of the film. Yet I found myself drawn into it again after listening to the soundtrack over 100 times. Billy is clearly too damaged for a real relationship even though the lighter first part of the film allows there to be hope for one but the stormclouds draw down and the end is tragic and it’s hard to ‘ship when one half of your pairing is gone but there’s always fic.

#5 – Susan & Peter (Chronicles of Narnia) (Book Series)

My 2500 word short story started as a 700 word Susan & Peter semi-incestuous fic. Most of my Narnia fic is tied to Susan and Peter, usually with only hints of incestual feelings. Susan is my favorite character of the Chronicles of Narnia series and darkness I see in her feels perfect for this sort of relationship. Her relationship with Peter in Narnia was as Queen to his High King, they came in pairs. Narnia fandom is full of incest and it’s not hard to see why, the setting is perfect for it.

Favorite Television Show of 2009

#1 – The Big Bang Theory

Favorite Celebrity of 2009

#1 – Jim Parsons

Do I have a crush? Hell yes! I participated in a web chat with Jim Parsons (with a lot of other people) and he came across as a genuinely nice guy, very sweet and nice to his fans. He got a little freaked out by some of the questions but he never made us feel bad about it and he sang soft kitty to us. It was one of my best fandom moments ever. I got to share it with one of my online best friends and this friend and I didn’t even meet through fandom. I haven’t had a celebrity crush this huge in many, many years. Go Jim Parsons!

- Mrs Dalloway, Virginia Woolf

—

This is what I felt tonight. This moment of December. Alive and happy to be alive. The past few days were tough and had some downs but tonight at the coffee house with my cousin and my brother I felt a connection with them I haven’t felt with other people in a long time. I’m fine with telling people personal things but I rarely feel anything when telling it, rarely want the other person to understand how it made me feel. It’s usually told as a funny story, as a joke. My life, the joke. I told them about the one thing that somebody said to me that haunts me to this day. I don’t think I’ve told anybody but my mom that except for on the Internet because there’s a wall (screen?) between me and people on the Internet.

The coffee house itself was gorgeous. A converted house with a garden, fire pit, patio, pond. I want to go back.

—

Christmas was lovely, at least in some parts. The family parts were overwhelming but I made tamales de azucar with my cousin and they were delicious. I didn’t get too many presents but I appreciate what was given me.

—

I’ve moved all my photomanipulations and amateur photography to this main site/blog instead of a separate site.

The hospitalization was very brief. A week and they were trying to throw me out before that though I was doing self-destructive crap. They thought I needed long term care. Was supposed to go to a partial program but nothing seemed to happen and I didn’t push the issue because partial is a mess. I tend to get hit on by creepy men in their forties who either are complete sleazebags or become crushed when I say ‘no’.

Things with my friend fell through. He moved to LA, he started hanging out with a new girl and that was that. No dramatics. It’s hard to believe I had feelings for a man who didn’t have the guts to tell me he no longer wished to be friends with me. I played the avoidance game when I was younger, trying not to hurt feelings but as I got older I became the sort to call a man and say, ‘Don’t call me.’ Or say I wasn’t interested if he was the tender sort you find in the psychiatric system in spades. I can be tender but I don’t want to be. I even cried.

I made a realization the other day. I want to live. It seems simple enough for most people but it’s hard to remember that idea when your brain has fucked off to Florida without telling you. That’s not quite right.  I’ve been in the psychiatric system for ten years. I’ve lost  count of my hospitalizations. I was diagnosed with a serious mental illness. It was like winning an illness lottery and realizing you got one without a cure, without a door to vamoose out of your brain when it gets tough. Yet I don’t feel bitter. I feel grateful that I’ve met so many wonderful people like Laura, Krissi, and Bethany. That I’ve hit rock bottom more times than I care to count and still get up to live to fight another day.

I want to live and even if that realization is progress it also hits me in the gut in a bad way. It’s hard to live the way I have for ten years in the system, four years before that not, and not feel comfortable even as I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

Not to say I’m cured. There is no cure for what I have. There is only symptom management. There’s making the best of it.  There is getting up yet again after another hospitalization and realizing that your desire to live is the strongest it’s been in over ten years and that fuck all those doctors who made your out to be a hopeless case, fuck all the aunts and uncles and cousins who look sideways at you, you’ve made it this far and that’s more than what was expected of you.

I managed to upgrade my computer to Windows 7. It was nightmarish and HP told me they wouldn’t support it even though they have upgrade instructions on their website. It was the drivers that were giving me such issue. It took me a couple of days but I downloaded updated drivers and did a few other fixes so now the CPU is not at 90% and I’m connected to the Internet. Heh, hardware and drivers and all that aren’t my strength.

A friend of mine is going to school to become a programmer and it made me envious. Design isn’t my strength but I love working with code. Prior to upgrading to Windows 7 I tweaked a script and got single-sign on working for my IPB forum and Drupal install on a website of mine. I’d waited for months for the script that would do this to be released but I figured I could do it on my own since the developer stopped working on the project. So, maybe, just maybe, I should do the same as my friend. I guess like tons of other people I really don’t know what I want to do. I know I don’t want to be a pharmacy tech for the rest of my life. I know I love working with code. I know I want to learn more about programming.

My license still has not come in and my teacher is MIA. The money for the school was a gift but I still find it upsetting. I know I don’t want to be a pharmacy tech forever but I still want to work part time using my license for a while.

I’m going to see about working a day or two a week until I start school again. Yep, I want to start school for my Masters. I’m looking into a couple of local schools — one in Fullerton, the other is UCLA — for Library Science.

My brother’s friend wanted to go into the same major but the thought of working for free for a lengthy period of time drove her off. Apparently you’re supposed to be getting paid before you’re fully qualified! I’ve found my direction again.

Even if the major doesn’t work out  I do want to go beyond having a BA. The job market for pharmacy tech made me re-think selling myself short for comfort.

Clinicals have been going well. I label prescription medication and put it away, label and put away OTC medications/items, occasionally fill prescriptions, add new patients to the system, etc., etc. It’s interesting seeing what people are taking. Can’t talk about my patients, though, because of HIPAA.

I gained a new co-worker which has been a bit vexing because she does not bathe regularly. First day, first thing that hits me is the scent of old sweat when I meet her. The day she did bathe I felt so much nicer towards her but that went away because that was the only time she smelled clean. I used to look forward to going to clinicals, now I get annoyed so much because it took her four days to figure out that our medication that is in tablets or capsules is sorted  in alphabetical order according to the trade name (e.g. Prozac). I’d catch her wandering in the R-Z aisle when the trade name of the medication in her hands starts with an A… even if medication isn’t even generic and its trade name is in big letters across the front.

It’s been frustrating. I know being new is confusing but ask if you need help instead of wandering around while I’ve processed two medications during that time. I asked and still ask plenty of stupid questions because I don’t want to waste time and I don’t want to make bad mistakes.

It’s better than being like the idiot at the Walgreens who lied to my face and told me that Walgreens does not take secondary insurance. He then asks his other two techs-in-training if they take secondary insurance and how to process it right in front of me. They don’t know so he turns to me and says again that they do not take secondary insurance. I thought everybody knew secondary insurance existed and is taken by the major chains (at least the ones I’ve been to).  The first one who helped me also mistook my Medicare card (my secondary insurance, given to the elderly and disabled), which was in their system, for Medical (given to those on welfare) when they look nothing alike and the card says Medicare in big letters across the front. Meaning, I had to go home and get my card — yeah, I was dumb and didn’t carry it — and then was told that they needed my other card, which I had been carrying the whole time.

The funny thing is, if the denial from Medicare had been sent to my doctor when I first attempted to use it the way the pharmacy is supposed to I could have been getting my medication at a little over $2 instead of $120 or so — originally $160 or $170 co-payment.

I started clinicals last Wednesday. My instructor contacted me last Tuesday and I opted to start immediately. No sense in putting it off.

I’m pleased. It’s my first time on the clock in over three years because of my disability even if I’m not getting paid! The pharmacist is lovely and its privately owned so its the perfect start for me.

I’d been very worried the week that came before starting clinicals. A few people in my life were concerned about my health care situation and whether or not my illness would come to life again with the added stress. As it was, I had about five days of not engaging in old self-destructive behavior rather than the year of not doing any of that before that indulgence. Some symptoms started cropping up, my sleep was suffering, I wasn’t functioning well enough for me to have faith in myself or for others to have faith in me.

One of my downfalls is that I feel I should be able to think my way out of this illness, I should be able to will myself into health. That makes little sense. Should an individual with cancer be able to will the illness out of their body? I think not.

I will either sink or swim but I opt to try. I will keep going to clinicals until my hours are up and then I will decide what to do from there. I don’t think I will try to work full-time for now because that would be very stupid and then I’d lose the health insurance I have now, which means no means to get medication, and I’d be in a bad spot. Which completely downplays that I’d be non-functional within a few weeks. Yes, I know that it’s possible I could get health care through work but my situation is complicated and that would mean I’d have to remain ‘well’ enough to work.

I think the lack of names works in this case, as does the third person. The detachment of third person is meant to keep the ambiguity of the relationship. Comma placement continues to be a plaguing problem. My grammar is terrible. I think one major problem is that it originally was a 600-or-so word flash fic that felt completely off for the fandom since the characters in the fanfiction only had a nodding acquaintance with their real counterparts. It makes me feel uncertain about the whole thing.

Anybody willing to go over it? Or even if out of bored interest, wants to read it.