i’m on page eight of my essay. now to insert all the references that don’t count towards the word count. yay.

i’ve realized something. i should shut my mouth when i’m not thinking right. except… i don’t exactly realize it until later. back on the abilify for three days and i feel a world more coherent and less suspicious. why should i care about anything? it doesn’t matter what anyone says because they’re not saying it directly to me. i’m back to my indifferent self. i love indifference. i was getting weaker and weaker in spirit and more angry and doing things i didn’t believe in because they seemed to make sense to my brain, at the time. there’s no excuse from me. *shrugs*

i got a taste of the beginning of what it’s like to be overwhelmed by fear, it really made me realize how much i’d taken for granted and who i’d taken for granted.

i haven’t completed anything new. i’m reading the new collection of articles from bitch magazine and it’s interesting how much things have changed and yet stayed the same since 1996. i’ve only gotten through two articles. i managed to get through “burnt norton” by ts eliot. i was really confused and tired at the time but upon re-reading i realized how elusive it was. time is cyclical. the rose garden is a moment in time. I wrote an essay on it but didn’t turn it in because my sleep was so fucked up i missed the class. managed to get through my presentation, though. it turned out all right. i finally have my topic down pat. consciousness raising is what will tie it all together. not from me, of course, but from the poet.

funny thing is, i’ve lost over ten pounds in the last week. i’ll probably regain them but it was interesting.