if i don't shape up now i'm going to fall apart until i won't be able to be put back together. i've never felt this before. this disintegration of self, of thoughts fragmenting. it's not about suicide or depression or social anxiety. i don't know what it is. all i have is a diagnosis that until a few days back seemed to be nothing but hot air (well, there were a few incidents but no big deal to me).
i need to get a medication change to something more effective. the doctor won't be in until monday. i don't know how to reach my therapist. i'm frightened. i need help. more than anyone here can give me. i feel alone and i know that i'm going to go to bed terrified that if i come downstairs someone will try to kill me and that i won't get that drink of water.
i can't run something if my mind is not functioning. all i do is seem to be getting worst. maybe she was right. all i can say is that i'm sorry. i wish i could help you. i see all the pain and i want to help.
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my brother is home, my brother is home, my brother is home! after a month in europe he's finally back. i'm so happy. he brought us some wonderful chocolate from switzerland and france. the rest of his things are in ohio right now, though. the plane was too 'full' and they left it there.
he looks all scruffy. facial hair and wild hair. i literally went 'what the fuck happened to your hair?'
i'm so glad he's home. it was a bit awkward explaining that dad no longer lives at home but he doesn't seem angry with me (why am i always the guilty one when it comes to these things?).
moving on. phpFan 3.1 is almost out. the last release was a fuckup so i completely redid it without mdb2 and it's running on my local computer and on my server, as well as another host. i decided to add more features and to improve the link counts (do you know how difficult that is with sub-categories and links that can be put in multiple categories?). i upgraded my old fanlisting phpfan (second or third release) without a hitch. i just wish i hadn't released the last version. that really did a number on it. :/ ah, well.
therapy with dad tomorrow. i'm nervous.
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Aug
2006
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