i just wrote my final (informal) essay for my creative writing class. it’s been a lovely semester and becoming serious about my writing has been both trying and wonderful. i actually started using punctuation apart from apostrophes in my poems but i’ve yet to give up the lack of capitalization. i still cling to that with white knuckled hands. i’ve been introduced to so many poets this semester. kim addonizio, denise duhamel, david hernandez are the ones that stand out the most. never heard of them? try them out and see if you like them.

one thing that i don’t like about myself is that i base my view of myself on how much people like my writing. not that i think i’m wonderful if i don’t get praise, just that i feel like i have no talent if someone hates a poem. except i realize some of my poems are bad and deserve criticism. critique doesn’t bother me. at least nowhere near as much as it used to. i’ve even become better with people not being total fans. it’s those few people that i really look up to that matter. anyone else, you’re either going to like or hate me. i’ll work on becoming a better poet and hope you give me another chance. that’s all i can say.

i do hate poems involving nature. i just find them so dull. humanity, especially the ugly aspects of it, are what interest me. i don’t want to read about a tree or a goat. there are always exceptions to the rule but i just can’t stand most poems about nature. i guess you could say it’s an annoying flaw of mine.

i’ve been really upset about how the medication is affecting my body. i’m in pain part of the day and eat the other part. i’m no longer naturally thin. it’s like my stomach is aching as if i had taken an overdose until i do eat and eat and eat. what bothers me is that i feel out of control in terms of eating. i never used to eat so much and it’s really saddening. i hate taking pictures of myself now. i don’t know.

my grade has gone down the toilet in physics. i just can’t get the concepts. i haven’t the faintest clue as how to make new equations out of what is there. it’s really sad. i was getting a decent grade and now i just can’t wrap my mind around it. ah well, i hope i pass.

i’ve had zero inspiration this week. no new ideas for a poem. that makes me sort of sad. i like to write at least one poem a week, whether it’s good or bad. i did write (forced) a poem on a catholic school year. lists of sins. i remember that time. writing my lists of sins in my notebook. so much shame. i was drowning in shame. that’s one the good things about not being religious anymore. i don’t feel bad about every single thing i do. i only feel bad about certain things.

my dad and i got in a fight over a misunderstanding. he’s just so loud. i wish i wouldn’t get so angry every time he yells but i don’t know how to help that. he yells and something goes off in my head telling me not to back down. it had been rather peaceful at home before that.