i went to the dentist today, it was wonderful. especially the part where they stuck needles in my gums. now i have two fake looking front teeth. the color is all wrong and they are so big. let’s say i’m not happy about it. i’m stuck with these teeth for about another 19 days which i found upsetting. but i imagine that i’m learning the consequences of my actions. puke up your food, your teeth get fucked up. you can’t escape that. your teeth are not going to magically be protected from the stomach acids that come up. i think this is putting me off purging and thinking of alternative. not actually starve myself but eat less. definitely not healthy eating but not fifteen cheerios and half a cup of skim milk either.

i cut myself the other day. the first time in a while. it felt good. i wasn’t ashamed of myself and i still do not regret it. i still have the bloody glass wrapped in a paper towel on my desk. nobody has seen it. they don’t check. i don’t want them to check.

i’ve been good on eating habits. no purging. i promised and i like to keep my promises. i did not promise for this week, though. i did not.

my therapist is moving on to a new job. she’s still going to see me, just not in her office. i still want to see her but i’m uncertain of my being able to handle therapy in places less private than an office. i really don’t want to start new and start seeing a new therapist. what happens if they blackmail me or try to get me to stop cutting? cutting isn’t the issue, depression is the issue. i’m not always depressed now. i’m on and off depressed.

i got really depressed at work the other day. everyone thought i was angry. that really made me upset so i got irritated. i was depressed and quiet and hating myself. i was not fucking angry. angry, to me, means throwing things and screaming and trying to hurt people. i don’t like angry.

i was thinking of the correct way to slit my wrists. i won’t do it. too messy. but i was just thinking about it. i won’t put exactly what i thought here. don’t want to give anyone ideas. slitting your wrists is messy business. yes, it is.