school started today. i think that i’m supposed to be either happy or sad but i’m neither. i feel nothing. therapy has moved to every other week. already i feel the panick setting in. i can’t see how i became so needy. i don’t need anyone or so i like to tell myself. not needing people helps keep everyone at bay.

i wonder why people get so sad in the winter. i know there’s an illness that one can name but, I don’t know, people seem so subdued. people are in so much pain and i can’t do anything to help them. everything i say seems so trite and forced.

i’m so lonely. i want to reach out to people but i’m so afraid. so very afraid that they’ll turn their backs on me in time. everyone eventually leaves. except my family. they are the only constant in my life. i love them all so much. if it weren’t for them i’d have long been dead. they’re my reason for living. i wish i didn’t cause them so much pain.

i fear that tonight will be very bad. i can already imagine it. i’m not supposed to and i suppose my therapist will be disappointed but i can’t bring myself to care. i’m to afraid of letting go. i have a death grip on my bad habits and i feel i may never let go.

first post in my new journal. i spent a lot of yesterday working on it. i’m so obsessive.

i’ve been doing pretty well, overall. my therapist told me i’m doing good and mentioned perhaps changing therapy to every other week. i panicked, of course. i don’t know if i’m ready for that yet. it leaves me scared. later that day i felt depressed and wanted to cut. so much for feeling better. i don’t know what it is. i’ll be vaguely content at times and at others i’ll sink into the depression again. i wonder if i should just go to every other week. would make me look more or less ‘recovered.’ it doesn’t matter much how i feel. it’s strange. less than a month ago i was cutting and feeling suicidal and now i am ‘so much better.’ what the fuck does that mean? i remember last year i was pretty much the same and then it went downhill. ah, i’m so pathetic.