i quit my job. decided that it was ridiculous. am trying to look for another one, perhaps one where one is not expected to do degrading things.

am actually feeling rather ‘normal.’ no cutting for about two weeks. am not constantly thinking of suicide. am eating normally – or at least better than before. still am wanting to lose weight, though. ridiculous compulsion.

the medicine makes me nauseous as hell, though. i also get headaches. well, must deal with that as this is the best i’ve felt in years.

am feeling bad for my father. he seems to miss us a lot and often visits. i don’t know is he and my mother are going to try to patch things up but i do hope it does not end up like the last time they tried to talk it out.

he and i argued, first time in a while. was rather thrilling. he’s the only one who ever attempts to tear down my opinions. went a bit out of line when he got personal and started attacking my past actions. i – rather harshly – pointed out that it was not too long ago that he tried to blow up our house. he said that was a low blow. it was. must not stoop to personal attacks.

just got back from the hospital yesterday. once i found out that i was unable to go into the program due to lack of money and insurance crap i just was ready to leave. i can’t sit there and vegitate. i have to be working on something or i get really agitated.

talked a bit about the sexual abuse while there. i gave a vague idea of what happened and such. they tried to convince me that i was not at fault and that i had been betrayed by him. i understand that intellectually but am unable to process it emotionally, i just am not ready for that. i would have to say that he hurt me and that would bring up the question of why. why would he hurt me like that?

too much for me right now. it was my fault, i must have done something. it had to have been my fault. they said that i was (insert some stupid psych term here), basically meaning that i was delusional. they said i wasn’t even old enough to go to school, much less act sexually alluring. didn’t know how to answer that.