i spent most of the day floating in some form of fog. it was as if my body was separated from my mind and it had decided to take over. floating and seeing myself make sandwiches for my customers. i had a smile on my face most of the time and i vaguely kept wondering if it was bothering anyone. it probably has to do with my not taking the cyprexa. i am off that shit. it was really messing my body up and would tempt me to go back to bending over the toilet after every meal.

after work i stopped by the store and bought a pack of razorblades and some gum. the gum was to take the focus off the blades while i purchased them. it probably did not matter but it made me feel better. before buying the blades and gum i spent about half an hour searching the store for real blades, the ones that cut deep, but to no avail.

on the walk home from work i was overwhelmed with a feeling of having done this shit before. when is it ever going to stop. i bought a pack of blades to harm myself with. am i ever going to stop or is this going to continue year after year after year. i am beginning to give up hope. not that a quick cure is the best but it does get discouraging to realize you are doing the same behaviors as you did three years ago.

anorexia is creeping up on me. i am beginning to restrict and exercise. i have to fight every day to not let it get the best of me. to not let myself fall into another destructive behavior. bulimia is over, all it succeeding in doing was make my body put on weight. i was only able to stop by replacing it with other not so good behaviors. i don’t recommend it.

i talked with my friend today. i told her the whole story with my father and how i was losing hope. she told me she thinks i’m doing better and that i’m getting stronger. i hope she is right. i don’t want to be the same person ten years from now. it was also wonderful to talk to her, especially after having not spoken outside of e-mail for months. we talked about our usual obsessions and it felt so normal and good. i was at peace for that time.

tonight consisted of more exercise and sitting in front of this screen. i wonder why i cannot face the world head on instead of hiding in this house and just being here hour after hour.

it is very odd that I have actually put time and effort into creating some form of journal. i am the type to hoard my personal thoughts and feelings. i’d rather take in others lives and give nothing out. it might be a good change to write about myself. I’ve been told countless times i should keep a journal to filter out my emotions and leave me, perhaps, more at peace. i do not think this would be the case but I’m certain it would improve my skills at writing and perhaps be a push on my way to being more open with others.

i usually am unsure about expressing my true feelings on the internet due to my site and the strings attached to having one. I feel an obligation to hold back some thoughts and emotions. perhaps this may seem a ridiculous notion it is very much on my mind much of the time. i would like to change that. fuck the site, i want to explore my mind as I have refused to do before.

as I do not have a personal site as of yet this will do for a journal. i shall also keep one on my personal site when it is up. perhaps log my thoughts here and transfer them there every week or so. just for those who hate livejournal and for the sake of customization.

it is rather late so I’ll stop writing for now.