i want to die, i’m tired of living in this fucking place. i’m tired of going to work. i’m tired of getting online. i’m tired of people expecting me to have the answers when i don’t. i’m not a guru. just a stupid excuse of a person.

and my therapist doesn’t understand, she fucking doesn’t understand. i can see why. i smile and i joke and i gloss over things. i smile a lot when i’m stressed, it’s a bad habit. i feel like crying.

i went down from 120 to 114 which is excellent. the only good part of my week. i’m aiming for the double digits but probably will never reach them. i’m fat and ugly. i’m alone.

the other day i fought with my mom and called her a ‘bitch’ and told her to fuck off. she told me that if i do that again she’ll take away my computer and that if i do it again after that she’s kicking me out of the house. i had a panic attack and just sobbed hysterically. it was pretty embarrassing. i don’t cry much. my mom hugged me while i cried and i cut myself, right there. went at it without her knowing. i talked to my therapist on the phone, cutting myself as i talked to her. i told her i would stop and i did. she says it shows i have some control and that it was good. i don’t see it that way.

can i slit my wrists? i wish i could but i have a job. isn’t that pathetic? i have a job that keeps me from making myself feel better. i want to quit. i think the manager thinks i’m lying when i say i have doctor appointments. but i do. he doesn’t understand, i need to see my doctors. they are very much real and not an excuse to get out of work.

when i’m at work i just want to scream and scream. i hate it. i hate the food. i hate seeing people lack self-control around food. i hate my lack of self-control around it. i crave some of that unhealthy shit they’re selling. and it’s probably not even good and would make me gain weight.

i hate me, i hate me. i just want to take pills and sleep for a very long time. but i can’t. i have a job. i hate those words. my job is my ball and chain. it isn’t always but it feels that way lately. not that i don’t like working, i don’t like that i just can’t do whatever i want to myself. i’d lose my job, the only thing i have left to connect me to the real world.

i’m so hungry. but i won’t eat, i won’t. i better not. or i’ll get fat. i ate enough fattening stuff today, anyway.

just get me out of my head.

Long day at work. A huge sale, we were mobbed. I spent most of the day angry at the customers and thinking cruel thoughts about them. I felt they were vicious, greedy beings who couldn’t contain themselves. I have been thinking that a lot these days, resenting my customers more and more. I hate them for being so easy around food and with being able to eat so much of it. I hate them for not being me. That sounds ridiculous but feels marginally true.

I also had to dress up as a sandwich. A boy spit at me and people yelled at me from their cars. A few people laughed. The highlight of the experience was seeing children’s faces light up when they saw me, that made it bearable.

My way to keep from crying, I was on the verge of a panic attack most of the day. I binged to make myself feel better. My stomach looks swollen, I wanted to throw it all up. Just did. First time in a while.

Not much has happened the past few days. I took myself off my medication but am back on it. It was making me gain weight which set off all the alarms in me and made me want to go back to throwing up. I told my therapist I was not going to take it anymore, I just can’t handle gaining so much weight at the moment.

I have not cut since the last time I posted but I feel very close to it. I feel like I can’t breathe. Amazing how easily I can be overloaded. I wish I had higher limits. I feel selfish and fat and lazy.

My therapist told me I am self-absorbed. It hurt to hear but it is probably true – it is true. I have little else to do than think about myself or my family. I am trying to be more considerate to people now. I do not like the thought of being so focused on only myself.