I started clinicals last Wednesday. My instructor contacted me last Tuesday and I opted to start immediately. No sense in putting it off.

I’m pleased. It’s my first time on the clock in over three years because of my disability even if I’m not getting paid! The pharmacist is lovely and its privately owned so its the perfect start for me.

I’d been very worried the week that came before starting clinicals. A few people in my life were concerned about my health care situation and whether or not my illness would come to life again with the added stress. As it was, I had about five days of not engaging in old self-destructive behavior rather than the year of not doing any of that before that indulgence. Some symptoms started cropping up, my sleep was suffering, I wasn’t functioning well enough for me to have faith in myself or for others to have faith in me.

One of my downfalls is that I feel I should be able to think my way out of this illness, I should be able to will myself into health. That makes little sense. Should an individual with cancer be able to will the illness out of their body? I think not.

I will either sink or swim but I opt to try. I will keep going to clinicals until my hours are up and then I will decide what to do from there. I don’t think I will try to work full-time for now because that would be very stupid and then I’d lose the health insurance I have now, which means no means to get medication, and I’d be in a bad spot. Which completely downplays that I’d be non-functional within a few weeks. Yes, I know that it’s possible I could get health care through work but my situation is complicated and that would mean I’d have to remain ‘well’ enough to work.

I missed a day of school and my brain was ready to kill itself out of boredom. It’s not Girl, Interrupted in there, it’s dull. I never realized how dull it was before. Happy Mothers Day to my mom, I guess, I got put away for five days.

So today I’ve been studying and catching up and eating normal meals. The food in there is shudder-worthy and I missed out on three and a half days of study time.

I did indeed cancel the appointment the hospital made with the guy who got me locked up. I know I should have put up a fuss but he made it sound official (he’d call my mother and the hospital and whoever necessary to make sure I was there). Next time I’ll say unless the police have me in cuffs I’m not going to go in over completely garbage reasons like that. I was not going to do anything. He didn’t even ask me if I’d contract for safety. Ugh.