I’m going to see about working a day or two a week until I start school again. Yep, I want to start school for my Masters. I’m looking into a couple of local schools — one in Fullerton, the other is UCLA — for Library Science.

My brother’s friend wanted to go into the same major but the thought of working for free for a lengthy period of time drove her off. Apparently you’re supposed to be getting paid before you’re fully qualified! I’ve found my direction again.

Even if the major doesn’t work out I do want to go beyond having a BA. The job market for pharmacy tech made me re-think selling myself short for comfort.

Clinicals have been going well. I label prescription medication and put it away, label and put away OTC medications/items, occasionally fill prescriptions, add new patients to the system, etc., etc. It’s interesting seeing what people are taking. Can’t talk about my patients, though, because of HIPAA.

I gained a new co-worker which has been a bit vexing because she does not bathe regularly. First day, first thing that hits me is the scent of old sweat when I meet her. The day she did bathe I felt so much nicer towards her but that went away because that was the only time she smelled clean. I used to look forward to going to clinicals, now I get annoyed so much because it took her four days to figure out that our medication that is in tablets or capsules is sorted in alphabetical order according to the trade name (e.g. Prozac). I’d catch her wandering in the R-Z aisle when the trade name of the medication in her hands starts with an A… even if medication isn’t even generic and its trade name is in big letters across the front.

It’s been frustrating. I know being new is confusing but ask if you need help instead of wandering around while I’ve processed two medications during that time. I asked and still ask plenty of stupid questions because I don’t want to waste time and I don’t want to make bad mistakes.

It’s better than being like the idiot at the Walgreens who lied to my face and told me that Walgreens does not take secondary insurance. He then asks his other two techs-in-training if they take secondary insurance and how to process it right in front of me. They don’t know so he turns to me and says again that they do not take secondary insurance. I thought everybody knew secondary insurance existed and is taken by the major chains (at least the ones I’ve been to). The first one who helped me also mistook my Medicare card (my secondary insurance, given to the elderly and disabled), which was in their system, for Medical (given to those on welfare) when they look nothing alike and the card says Medicare in big letters across the front. Meaning, I had to go home and get my card — yeah, I was dumb and didn’t carry it — and then was told that they needed my other card, which I had been carrying the whole time.

The funny thing is, if the denial from Medicare had been sent to my doctor when I first attempted to use it the way the pharmacy is supposed to I could have been getting my medication at a little over $2 instead of $120 or so — originally $160 or $170 co-payment.

I started clinicals last Wednesday. My instructor contacted me last Tuesday and I opted to start immediately. No sense in putting it off.

I’m pleased. It’s my first time on the clock in over three years because of my disability even if I’m not getting paid! The pharmacist is lovely and its privately owned so its the perfect start for me.

I’d been very worried the week that came before starting clinicals. A few people in my life were concerned about my health care situation and whether or not my illness would come to life again with the added stress. As it was, I had about five days of not engaging in old self-destructive behavior rather than the year of not doing any of that before that indulgence. Some symptoms started cropping up, my sleep was suffering, I wasn’t functioning well enough for me to have faith in myself or for others to have faith in me.

One of my downfalls is that I feel I should be able to think my way out of this illness, I should be able to will myself into health. That makes little sense. Should an individual with cancer be able to will the illness out of their body? I think not.

I will either sink or swim but I opt to try. I will keep going to clinicals until my hours are up and then I will decide what to do from there. I don’t think I will try to work full-time for now because that would be very stupid and then I’d lose the health insurance I have now, which means no means to get medication, and I’d be in a bad spot. Which completely downplays that I’d be non-functional within a few weeks. Yes, I know that it’s possible I could get health care through work but my situation is complicated and that would mean I’d have to remain ‘well’ enough to work.

So, I’m relieved that I’m going to be doing something productive again. I tell myself it’s only 15 weeks, which isn’t bad. Clinicals can be arranged to be a lot closer to where I live so that’s not an issue. I’m nervous but I think this will be a good change. I know I dropped out of the workforce against my wishes (had to do with medical insurance, which I couldn’t not have, and my disability) but I really want to try to get back into it. If I fail the first time, I’ll try again, again, etc.

Wish me luck!